Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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