I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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