I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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