Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
