im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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