My liver just broke up with me...
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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