We're facebook friends in real life
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
