you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
