He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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