if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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