my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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