Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
