Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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