Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
