I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Be still, my beating vagina.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
