If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
