it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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