I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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