I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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