I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
