she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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