just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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