Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
