just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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