so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
