Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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