My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
