don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
