Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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