Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
