All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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