I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
