We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
