I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
