i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
