i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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