Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
