am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
