i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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