I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
