this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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