Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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