what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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