ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
