i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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