I cannot find my penis.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
