why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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