I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
