Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
