Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
