I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
